| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|10:05 pm] |
wowowowowowowowowowow. so this weekend i had the house to myself. this was good and nice, and i'd like to think it's a slight indication of what living by myself would be like (potentially hazardous!). i guess you could say i assumed the right responsibilities... for the most part, at least.
strangely enough, this weekend i didn't sleep into the late afternoon, nor stay up at unreasonable hours. i also wasn't horribly depressed. i've had the adolescent itch for a good, solid, couple years now. that is, the "i can't seem to get along with my parents and we rarely talk" syndrome. i suppose i can't really confine the definition of this mentality to my parents- generally, it's most people. my parents just happen to be in that category of "most people".
i ain't got nuthin' else ta say.
BESIDES---------- i've finally come to the realization that livejournal is kind of lame. i mainly come for the wonderful communities, i thinks. it's this whole entry writing business that is slightly lame. i rarely take it very seriously (only occasionally.) YES, mainly it is just bullshit like this...
good night and good luck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2008|10:46 pm] |
wiIIiam h taft (10:07:57 PM): i don't want to be a booty call cos some handsome jewish guy is lonely
officerserpic0 (10:08:18 PM): boy, you and I differ greatly
hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa
at least, he made sure i wasn't jailbait.
should i allow for him to seduce?
y/n?
EXCEPT i'm.. well, nevermind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2008|04:26 pm] |
i feel yucky. not SAD, i don't mean sad. woke up late, went to revue with erica, did a little homework, picked up coco, fabio, and tony in nowhereland (because they got in a car accident), and now i'm sitting here waiting for work. thought i'd say a little hello. i am not looking forward to work but i am looking forward to getting my paycheck. needs to go straight to the savings (i hope i can afford passport/plane ticket so i can spend this summer in mexico with erica). everything is looming... the impending future ooooooooh.
but i still enjoy observing babies. babies are cute. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2008|04:32 pm] |
i am seriously thinking about coming to work in what i am wearing right now, which is: robe, white keds, denim shorts, and flower shirt. i'm seriously serious. or not serious at all.
i feel pretty... ugly.
are you ready? did you get that? is it lovely?
okay, i'll act accordingly/
but i won't brush my teeth for you, customers.
really, have a NICE night. i mean it. have a good one, okay? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|01:41 pm] |
i smell. i don't care. i'm going to work nasty and un-showered.
Future is Scary. According to Dr. Ewing, my unrealized self has been chasing me in a reoccurring dream.
i like school, i do not like potential unfulfilling careers. Going to school brings me closer to a potential unfulfilling career. Maybe i should STOP and THINK; I've said this before. Maybe it's getting away from fresno this summer. (I wish i had money!)
i was offered a job as a server and i turned it down. that could've been more money. TOO BAD i A) cannot carry heavy plates B) Have This THing about re-filling peoples drinks in front of them (reaching over table.. uncomfortable) C) Stage fright.
I AM STILL READY TO LEAVE FRESNO (AKA THE Burgeoning Conglomerate Mess of A City.) After leaving i will find out if my inability to meet new people has to do with this city or my own sad incapability. PROBABLY the latter.
i wrote a new poem last night but i'm not going to put it on here. just letting you know.
in other slightly-referenced-before news: i have opened a can of worms. can't wait until i get hurt! yee-haw~
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|11:34 am] |
isn't considering the past a bit like a dog smelling its own shit?
i think so.
FORGET YOUR PAST DEFECATIONS.
Corrina asked if erica and i would like to be in a band. our name is Moons Over My Hammy. we play theoretical music. cover songs, to be exact. MORE TO COME. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|08:53 am] |
i can't ever imagine having a penis.
i have to go to the zoo today for a field trip. they are making us pay seven dollars as an entrance fee plus 3.00 parking. what a rip-off. Jose Rios and i are going together, so at least i can save 1/2 on parking. still a rip-off. i wonder if they still have the giant tortoise. i remember liking them. i used to really like the flamingoes too.
that's pretty creul though- keeping all these animals locked up in fresno. i bet they are as miserable as me. probably not. i at least get the option to leave. maybe they enjoy fresno. maybe they are the sort of animals that like spending their weekends at river park and getting coffee at starbucks and buying expensive sweatpants at BeBe sport. expensive sweatpants that say "sassy" on the rear. well im off to the zoo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|09:30 pm] |
Tiffany told me to write a poem about it, but that's not how it works. Plus, it gets enough airtime in personal notebook (dare i say diary!?) these cheerios taste shitty. i think the milk has gone bad. that soy milk has been in the fridge for awhile (but as any soy milk drinker knows it can stay in there for months.) it truly goes bad when it turns like cottage cheese. i would drink the 2% but it doesn't play nice with my insides. it could just be the cheerios. i don't even like cheerios. there isn't anything to eat and i've already utilized all the quick meal options today. i've been gone for most of the day and my body is tired. i never went to sleep last night. probably a waste. i could have used that mind time to write about Aristotle. instead i think about... at least i got an A on the mid-term (i feel mighty!). registering for next semester tonight. my schedule follows
b
e
l
ow
WOMEN STUDIES, PSYCHOLOGY, MATH 1-0-3, HISTORY
Say it out loud. it sounds nice. they all end in a nice eeeeeee sound.
what'll i do what'll i do what'll i do? do you know?
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|03:05 am] |
how disparaging...
i don't want to write this essay.
i should've gone with the computer nerd, as tiffany said. god god god. what?
huh?
whut?
i kant change myself.
universal maxim: if anyone at any time feels the need to change themselves, they should DO IT.
personal maxim: if i at any time feel the need to change myself, i should do it.
i just ain't got it in me to change.
i shouldn't have gone with aristotle. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2008|01:12 am] |
unfortunately, i was dealt these cards....
I’m something moldable,
Malleable like putty or clay
Lacking true form or shape
Only those his fingers make
Easy for easiness’ sake.
It could be otherwise,
I could be wise
Ignore the chimeras
That bring forth blue lies
But this isn’t where my sense seems to lie.
It’s somewhere unsteady;
On the green of a chalkboard
In the path of a tide.
--------
A sudden switch of songs.
Serenades that seem to
Insist there’s secrets kept behind
The backs of ears
And under wrists.
The words printed on the man’s fists,
Read something known
Like “life” and “death”
It’s silly seeing tits point west
Each breast points where
She is upon death
Her body fresh for a sudden descent.
Can you see the couples laugh?
Riding the backs of lions, giraffes.
To places where one can’t repent.
Dear god, dear jesus
Repent! Repent!
Here are the things that life has lent.
Take them, hold them close,
As you become actualized,
Something like a soul,
or ghost.
Remember me as you leave your host.
All friends, come ‘round,
Lets give a toast,
To the lord, our jesus,
The holy ghost.
----------
i can't sleep. i wish i could sleep.
i'm not depressed. i don't know what i am.
i'm jealous, i think. look at that girl over there. she's my problem: i want to be that girl, but i am not that girl. i am highly uncomfortable with myself (and other things). maybe too many emotional problems (mommy issues, et cetera et cetera). other unmentionables. i've been working on it though. workin' real hard, pa. and i'm very tired. i just want some sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2008|12:59 pm] |
drinking tea and feeling good. this can last all day if i don't have any murky thoughts catch up with me (god be willing).
Monterey was very nice. i'm a big fan of the ocean.
we went to the aquarium, the beach, and a two story vintage shop. the shop had a little used bookstore and a majority of the books had that falling apart, yellowing, dusty sort of character. a good selection, too. i could have spent hours in that store but we were all a little hungry so we left without an extensive look. the beach was cold and nice. the aquarium was much better than i expected. still touristy, but nice. observe:
"set me freeeeeeee" :(
Corrina Samora.
Some little boy that got in one of my pictures.
Erica Perez
what ARE these things? they aren't real!
but they are real...
hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tomorrow i go to san francisco with tiffany. we are going to see a band called Born Ruffians because she really has a thing for them. i don't really care for them but she is paying for my ticket, and i don't have to pay for gas. free trip for me.
plus, the only thing i was planning to do on thursday was feel sorry for myself. it's much better off this way.
today is a day of studying. i'm taking a break because i need to make a trip to the liquor store. i might need to go to b&n tonight (need sources for my Kant essay). so much to do...
i still need money.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2008|12:26 am] |
i feel like...
i read two graphic novels today: embroideries and black hole. both were good, but black hole was much better. embroideries was a short little gossipy girl talk sort of thing and black hole was just frightening and wonderful. i remember the person who got me into graphic novels. he was a nice boy. was? i'm sure he still is a nice boy. funny, too. we don't talk anymore because i pushed him away but (as my stepmom says) you can't cry over spilled milk. really now, that's far too long ago to even consider or regret over. i guess i'm only talking about this because i read a graphic novel (as HE would call them) and it reminded me of him. funny how certain things can remind you of someone: buildings, candy, streets, certain songs.. some of that stuff seems irrevocably stamped with a particular person. that can suck. it can ruin a few good songs.
i should be sleeping right now. tomorrow (or today) i am driving down to the beach with erica and corrina. i have enough money for gas and maybe one meal. i'll be lucky if i don't spend it all on coffee, seeing as how i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight. work was one long drawn out mess. i tried to compensate by drinking around six cups of coffee. plus the two cups i had this morning. i guess i was trying to do something comforting. i couldn't concentrate on the book i had so i just kept on drinking cup after cup after cup. after awhile i just gave up on reading and opened Embroideries. finished my last cup and didn't go mad. all that caffine is in me as we speak. i'm guessing that may be why i can't go to sleep. (maybe.)
this was a paragraph dedicated to coffee. i'm not sure if it's the "benefit of.." or "detriments of..." but it is certainly dedicated to coffee.
i think i make it a goal of mine to intentionally not like the people who like me. you know, i could just stop thinking for awhile.. really go with the flow. i consider myself fairly laid back in manner but i don't think i can say the same thing about my process of thought. it's too tight and analytical. what if... what if... i just DID what i FELT? well, i'll be damned! i may have came up with something!
i don't fill up a full page often. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2008|02:24 pm] |
i need to show this to everyone. it's just too good to not mention.
the Panic! at the Disco we once knew...
The Panic At The Disco (no more of the beloved exclamation point) we know now:
I read about this in a Blender article that someone left at work. Yeah, Panic at the Disco (don't forget to forget the '!') discovered the Beatles recently and it's suddenly changed everything. I bet you anything it was that movie. you know the one i'm talking about. OR this could just be the record companies seeing that the marketing appeal of "emo" is starting to become too passe for our youth. Our youth need something fresh.
Yes, the times they are a-changin'...
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|12:00 pm] |
i still haven't had my period yet. maybe this is like immaculate conception and the virgin mary and all that. yes, maybe i am impregnated with the next messiah. (this is a slight reference to Mermaids).
you know, gods got the power. most guys are trying to spawn as many children as possible to further their sacred blood line. if god wanted to, he could simultaneously impregnate every woman in the world WHILE watching a Will and Grace marathon. lucky bastard. i guess it isn't really necessary since we are all in his likeness anyway. the man has got it made.
this is just the christian theology's god. don't even get me started on Vishnu or Buddha.
oh, to be a deity... they should make a reality tv show with all these guys. maybe throw in a few d-lister's like pauly shore. now that would be entertaining.
when i was 13 i used to have dreams about pauly shore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2008|03:58 pm] |
advice from a paranoid nihilist (who is not me...):
Upon repeating yourself for a second time and there is still no reply, know that you are either being unintentionally ignored or intentionally abhorred. Really one in the same thing on terms of undesirability.
Don't ever allow anyone the special privilege of "getting to know you."
Keep your enemies far, and your friends farther.
buy a coach purse. it will make you lovable and normal.
lather yourself daily in lotion. nobody loves an ashy mother fucker.
it will be a sad day when this video is removed off of youtube. the good ones usually are.
off to work. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2008|07:26 pm] |
you know, i like to construct these hypothetical conversations in my head. hypothetical situations. it's a nice thing to do. you get to have this nice controlled environment that's completely predictable. it's like writing (which i like) because you can go back and edit and chop and revise. you can change things if you'd like to. think of something smarter to say. in these hypothetical situations, i'm a lot wittier and maybe happier, too. i don't know. i can't really attach a tangible feeling to something that doesn't exist. or sometimes, i 'll say everything i want to say to a person without actually saying it to them. this has more to do with me being able to say what i want than anything else. Say what i want. i don't mean tell the truth to a person, i.e. what i really feel, what's really going on. i mean saying the words that i want to say. sometimes it's lies. i don't like lying but i like to imagine myself lying. "i mean, i'm really busy right now. so busy. i'm so sorry, i can't"
you see i'd never have the opportunity to say that because there will never be a conversation that requires that lie. at least not in the perfect situation that i imagine. that's why i make up the situations. i want the environment to be perfect for what i want to say. the exact words i imagine. i could make it easy and imagine that that statement wasn't a lie. I could chance the situation into me telling the truth. making the recipient of my words feel defeated on the pretense of truth. i don't like that though. i want it to be a lie. I want to know that i am knowingly telling him a lie. that's the situation i envision.
the thing is, that isn't a lie at all. maybe it's just the delivery of what i'm saying; saying i'm busy like it's a good thing. what am i doing?
i'm busy doing all the things i like the very least.
i am unhappy because our educational system has had one big deductive hard-on since it's conception and because of it i have to memorize scientific taxonomy. i am unhappy because i feel the need to go to college to have a functioning life because the one thing i want to major in isn't going to do jack shit for me because i'm simply not competitive enough to enter the field i want to enter (competition. i mean, we are all just trying to put some food on the table, right?) because i don't understand dating or partying or any of the other things i'm supposed to be doing because i like being a miserable shit because i can't talk to you because i retract like fucking snail (see. like a fucking snail!).
well, there is always tomorrow, right? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|11:45 pm] |
Is that a never ending consecutive "UGH" I hear coming from the teenagers of America?
i'm certainly part of the procession (AMEN).
CHANGE OF SUBJECT
If you ask my sister, she will admit she loves men. when we go out she always has one eye on the prowl.
"that guy is sexy.."
"oh! a handsome older business man!"
This is O.K. I'm not saying this to judge her. A lot of girls do it, a lot of guys do it. For many, life fulfillment has to do with finding "The One."
i don't know where this elevated and strange sense of reason developed. somewhere in the loin, i presume.. i can't do this! i mean, i CAN but i think it's sort of funny. i'm sure we all know how underrepresenting the image can be to it's owner. exactly what is it that makes us attracted to a particular person? i'm sure i've talked about this before.. i find it interesting. i guess i'm talking about this because someone i normally pay no attention to, started talking about a subject that made him appear incredibly sexy. JUST 'COS he was saying something intelligent. God, "sexy" is such a funny word. I can't correlate appearance with sexiness. Now, words- they can be very very sexy. anyway, i don't have that little prowling eye my sister has. No, i guess you could say i try to have a discerning ear. Basically, i'm looking/listening for a poet laureate. Nothing less.
goddamn it, this peach cobbler is supposed to make me happy. i even have a dapple of cool whip. make me happy, damn it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|04:41 pm] |
things are getting better... progressively.
at least that is how it worked out today.
my day was like this:
-----now
-
-
-
-
-
-
---- starting point
it may go down once i get to work. we will see.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2008|11:01 pm] |
the bottom lid of my right eye has this weird twitch. it started up at barnes and nobles and it's still going. wussup, with that?
the jerks of fresno seem to come out on weekend nights. i don't understand fast cars racing on blackstone. is it some sort of superiority thing?
my car goes faster than yours. what does that prove? i drive a ford taurus. i could probably go fast if i wanted, too.
they provoke each other with the rev of an engine. is this their raising and pounding of the chest? i do not understand... is this the reptilian cortex prevailing? there really isn't any sense behind it.
this twitch is so weird. it's like there is a little fellow behind my skin trying to break through. a relentless little guy. pound pound pound. a bit like a heartbeat! how odd.
my favorite poem is the love song of j alfred prufrock. every time i go to barnes and nobles i read it. i read it out loud to myself because i like the way the words reverberate and roll. i like it because of the way he describes the smoke. i consider it the best poem.
Lame is a funny word to become popularized, don't you think? you hear it thrown around a lot. i feel fairly lame right now. i feel lame because i can't clean my room and i invest too much time missing someone who just doesn't miss me. cos i can manage to linger around a situation that is clearly over and done with. i feel lame because i am far too judgmental for my own good. IN THIS, i lose my sensibility (and lose a lot of things because of it.)
WOW, i can actually see the twitch in my line of vision. it's blurry, but there. it's blurrily there! |
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inthesewoods's journal
